TALENT KEEPING: How to make 1:1s less ‘meh’

This article first appeared in Talent Keeping 16/10/24, a fortnightly psychology-based newsletter for workplace performance, relationships and wellbeing. Subscribe here.

How to make 1:1s less meh in a nutshell

1:1s have an almost magical ability to elevate a direct report’s mood, performance and wanting to stay part of your team, yet they’re often a dismal affair. Six ways to move 1:1s from ‘meh’ to ‘yes!’ are 1) making them 40 minutes every fortnight; 2) nudging your team member to prepare 48 hours before; 3) keeping your diary clear 15 minutes beforehand; 4) opening with “what’s gone well since our last 1:1?”; 5) following with “what do you need for our time together today?” and 6) recapping what you’ve heard and the actions you’re going to take.

Six ways to make 1:1s better

Last week a coachee delighted in telling me how well her most recent 1:1 had gone with her boss. In her last coaching session we’d discussed how she could take control to make them more ‘yes!’ and less ‘meh’.
I think line management is particularly emotionally tiring at the moment with issues such as the Gaza-Israel conflict affecting some team relations, and ongoing tensions around how much time team members should be spending in the office. So in this fortnight’s edition of Talent Keeping I’m thinking from the line manager’s perspective and offering some pointers about how to induce that positive state my coachee had experienced (after her 1:1) in your direct reports.

6 ways to make 1:1s better:

1. Make them 40 minutes fortnightly.
2. Nudge your team member to prepare for the 1:1 48 hours before.
3. Keep your diary clear 15 minutes before the 1:1.
4. Open with “What’s gone well since our last 1:1?”
5. Follow with “What do you need from our time together today?”
6. Recap what you’ve heard, the actions you’re going to take and when.

40 minutes fortnightly

40 minutes is roomy enough to have a substantial conversation and sufficiently short that it requires a tight focus. Search online for the best cadence for 1:1 and responses coalesce around fortnightly. I think this timing takes account of what’s good for both parties. In my experience this gives the direct report enough time to make use of the support she received, whereas weekly might feel too soon and be too demanding on the manager’s schedule, especially is she/he has more than five direct reports. Fortnightly, rather than monthly decreases the risk of a team member’s performance dropping through lack of opportunity to work through issues or ‘interference’ (Timothy Gallwey’s Performance = Potential – Interference).

Prep 48 hours before

Direct reports with strong upward management skills will be sending you their agenda a day or two before you’re due to meet. They’ve learned they have better 1:1s if they signpost what’s on their minds ahead of time to give you opportunity to reflect. If your DR’s are in the habit of doing this please do make sure you’ve read what they’ve sent and thank them at the start for doing so. I make a promise to coachees that if I get their ‘Reflect & Prep’ document 24 hours ahead of their coaching session that I will have read it.
If your DR’s don’t yet send you things to consider, a way of asking them to do so is this:
“I’ve been thinking about how we make our 1:1s (even) better. To help me to help you, please could you drop me an e-mail a day or two before with a few bullet points about what you would like to cover in your 1:1.. It can be whatever is on your mind to do with work or outside work, short term or long term. I am also interested to hear what’s gone well since our last 1:1.”

Keep 15 minutes clear before 1:1s

This is about you managing your state so that you come to the 1:1 ready to listen and give your best attention. ‘Attention residue’ is the phenomenon of our minds still being on our last meeting when we enter the next because we haven’t given our time to close down and prepare for the next. I cover this on episode 88 of COMEBACK COACH*: Finding focus when you’re stretched and shattered – psychology of attention – deep work – my coachees’s top tips for traction. Have some air, get the coffees in, go to the loo, stretch your legs – whatever it takes to turn up showing you’re prepared and ready to listen. Your direct report doesn’t need to be burdened by what happened in the meeting you’ve just come from, which is what’s likely to happen if you don’t place that strategic pause between it and her/him.

What’s gone well?

This is a beautifully broad invitation which sets a positive tone and which paves the way for better thinking (the ‘Broaden & Build’ theory of positive emotions which I talk through at the beginning of episode 83 of COMEBACK COACH). Once you get into the swing of starting 1:1s in this way your DR will (hopefully) come prepared and not squirm uncomfortably. Some people don’t naturally notice the ‘good stuff’ or they have a tendency to think something has gone well only when it went ‘perfectly’ or according to a pre-conceived idea of what is ‘right’ or indeed once something is complete (rather than recognising progress as something deemed to have gone well).

What do you need from our time together today?

Questions are my business as a coaching psychologist and I love this one because it empowers the DR by reminding them that the time is theirs to decide what to do with. I recommend asking it even if your DR has e-mailed their ‘agenda’ for the meeting (and do mention that you’ve seen their e-mail and read it). If your DR draws a blank, sit with the silence a while. If nothing’s forthcoming you might try asking what’s been weighing on their mind at work or at home lately.

Recap what you heard

I once read that waiting staff who read back customers’ orders get bigger tips. The psychology at work here is the customer feeling she can relax because she’s in good hands which paves the way for a better dining experience and more generous tipping. In the same way, you briefly playing back what you’ve heard signals to your DR that she’s been heard and understood. It creates good feeling. It’s important to recap the actions you’ve said you’ll take too. You might add “have I missed anything or got anything wrong there?”
I recommend keeping 10 minutes clear after your 1:1 to plan when you’ll take the actions you’ve committed to and add them to your schedule.
Sidenote: if you’re a line manager who doesn’t show vulnerability and/or gives the impression you’ve always got things under control adding in the “or got anything wrong?” is a small way to start showing your DR’s that you are human.

My coachee’s uplifting 1:1

Looping back to the coachee I mentioned at the start, when we dug into why the 1:1 was as good as it was she reflected that:

• She started the 1:1 by telling her boss about her wins and this made them both feel good.
• She’d sent her thoughts to him ahead of time which he thanked her for and enabled him to be better prepared.
• She thought it had been more productive than past 1:1s.
• They covered the ground she wanted to cover.
• Her boss made a comment about her being committed and seeming more confident lately. (This felt like a MASSIVE win for her as these are two perceptions she wanted to create in the minds of others and which we’ve been working on in coaching).

 

*Our top-rated, not yet award winning podcast for people returning to work after a break. Recommended by HR leaders to retuning employees.